My little one turns one today. Oh how fast that year went. Fastest year yet. I only hope I enjoyed it as much as I could have. The last baby in my arms that is fully mine. Did I hold him enough when he was tiny? Did I gaze at him enough while he slept? Did I take enough photos? I wish I could go back one more time and drink it all in. I wish I would have known how truly fleeting it all was. You can never, ever see it when you are in it though. Just like I can't see it now. Well, I can at this moment but in an hour or so I will forget. I have to. It is impossible to savor every little moment and still get the laundry done. (Or should I be savoring the laundry? Probably. I'm no good at this stuff, laundry gets the auto-pilot version of me.)
Course the babyhood that is lost is replaced by a smiling, curious little guy who started to walk last week. His first wobbly steps across the room. His big toothy grin and his laughter that fills our house. The way he crawls after the cat and lays his head down on him when he catches up to him. The way he reaches for me when I walk by while someone else is holding him. Oh yes, you can bet I'm savoring all of this today.
I also can't help but think about being in labor a year ago right now. And his birth. And the seven and a half hours of pushing that it took to get him out. And all the other bumps in that road that I got past during that pregnancy and my goal of a VBAC. I still feel filled with gratitude that we had an amazing birth experience, despite so many odds stacked against us. So his birthday will always mark my little secret celebration for this. For trusting myself.
Wow. A year!
PS - My mom and my aunt are in town to celebrate this little guy so it may be quiet here for a few days.